WHEN I NEED YOU THE MOST.

12

IM LOST. Im fckin lost because I don’t know where I should be. Or do I still have place here? I lost the person you wanted me to be. I lost my old personality that you loved.

I need motivation. I really do. Because going to school daily feels like going to hell. I lost my motivation. It’s gone when I felt like no one trusts on my capabilities. I badly need the motivational and inspirational words of my parents. I was expecting them to motivate me but they just told me the most painful words I’ve ever heard in my life.  That, “Sana di na lang ikaw ang anak ko” “Di mo gayahin kuya mo? Nag-iisip ng tama.” I’m sorry I’m not good enough like my brothers. But, you know what? I can excel on the things I really love to do if you’re going to support me in everything. I can show you who I am if you let me. I fckn hate comparisons. You guys never fail to make me feel I’m a failure. That “dapat di na lang ako nabuhay” feeling. I’m sorry Ma, Pa if I can’t be the daughter you are dreaming. If I can’t be an honor student like our neighbor. If I can’t be perfect.

Nothing’s more painful than this. I badly need your trust. Please just for one day, make me feel that I can do it. That I can be a lawyer someday and not an accountant you want me to be. That I can reach my dreams. That I can be myself and not like my brothers or our neighbors or the genius child. Your words are like bullet that hits me to the bones. So deep and fckn painful that no one can mend my broken heart. Broken heart not because of random boy outside. But because of the people I thought my shoulder to lean on.

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